Cognitive Distortion Deep Dive: mind reading: Assuming you know what people are thinking without having adequate proof.
You know that feeling you get when you “just know” that someone else is thinking negatively about you without them even saying a word? Their body language, lack of response, or outright disagreement with you sends you spinning. It’s enough to create a pit in your stomach and might even cause you to act differently toward them.
But how do you actually know what they're really thinking? Have you asked them? Or are you jumping to conclusions?
The cognitive distortion of mind reading is the tendency to assume you know what others are thinking without sufficient evidence. You negatively interpret actions or words and assume the associated thoughts or feelings.
While it’s normal to experience mind reading occasionally, a true mind reader will often take it to the next level. Like assuming a colleague thinks poorly of you without them saying anything or believing a friend is upset based on their body language alone.
The Consequences of Mind Reading
The problem with assuming too much is that it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, consistently telling yourself, "No one likes me," may lead you to start withdrawing, thus proving your point. Likewise, if you believe you messed up at work, this thinking can further fan the flame of imposter syndrome. If left unchecked, these thoughts and behavior patterns can have some pretty big consequences. Here’s how to address them.
Emotional Consequences
What happened: You posted online and didn’t garner the likes and comments you thought you would. You DM’d a friend for validation, and it has been left unread.
What a mind reader might feel:
Insecure: “Everyone thinks I’m dumb.”
Anxious: “I’m so embarrassed about putting myself out there like that.”
Presumptuous: “I’m going to take it down; everyone I care about has seen it anyway by now.”
What to try instead: Reframe your thinking. Perhaps the algorithm isn’t working to your advantage. People are busy, and maybe it got lost in the shuffle. Remember, the goal of posting is to share—not just garner “likes.” Remind yourself that in the grand scheme of things, one post isn’t a big deal, nor does it define you.
Personal Consequences
What happened: Your friend canceled plans with you at the last minute without explaining why.
What a mind reader might do:
Misinterpret the signals: “She must be mad at me.”
React defensively: “I can’t believe she did this without warning. I would never.”
Avoid interacting with them: “If she doesn’t want to be with me, I don’t want to be with her.”
What to try instead: Ask if everything is ok. Be honest about your feelings and be open to rejection. More than likely, there is a reasonable explanation, and your friend could use empathy and understanding.
Professional Consequences
What happened: You presented an idea at a big pitch meeting that got rejected.
What a mind reader might think and do:
Shrink and feel defeated: “I don’t know why I even bothered. It’s clear I am not good enough for this job.”
Become irritated and defensive: “They just don’t get it.”
Strain professional relationships and connections: “See if they ever get another idea from me.”
What to try instead: Talk to your boss and co-workers. Seek feedback and constructive criticism. Try to understand how to improve your idea, accept why another idea was chosen, and move on.
Recognize that Mind Reading is a “You” Thing
Do you assume people are thinking about you negatively, overanalyzing actions, or being overly concerned about what others think? These are some prime indicators that you might fall victim to mind reading.
If you’re concerned about jumping to conclusions too quickly, consider this: it’s impossible to actually know what people think unless you ask them. There are thousands of reasons why people act the way they do (busy, stressed out, having a lunch that isn’t settling well, etc.). Or your own fear could be triggering a snowball effect of emotions (we’ll get into that in more detail in a future newsletter).
When in doubt, try one of these tried and true strategies to overcome overwhelming assumptive thoughts.
Become a Detective: Gather data before jumping to conclusions about others' thoughts and seek evidence to support your own thoughts.
Look at the Big Picture: Don’t be afraid to ask for clarification to understand others' perspectives. It is often when you are too close to an issue that it becomes “an issue.”
Challenge Assumptions: Question the validity of your assumptions. Is it possible to know with 100% certainty that they are true?
Name 5 Other Reasons for a person’s reaction that has nothing to do with judging you. It’s incredible how much better you’ll feel when you’re not ruminating.
When you pause and calmly approach your uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, you fight the lies your brain tells you and can ultimately find your truth.
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