Whether you’ve recently lost a loved one or simply cannot be with them this holiday season, the first time you experience it is extremely difficult. Here are a few ideas on how to get through it.
There’s no easy way around it—the first holiday without a loved one is hard.
Whether you’ve lost a family member or friend in the past year, your partner is traveling or deployed, or you’re navigating your first holiday season post-divorce, this time of year can amplify…everything.
If you’re experiencing loss this holiday season, know that I’m right there with you.
Every year for as long as I can remember, I call my mom for her beloved popover recipe. While I’ve had it written down for decades, that phone call was so much more than the cooking. It was always a good excuse to talk to her about my memories associated with it, to get her tips and advice firsthand, and to simply connect with her.
This is the first year I won’t be able to call her.
As hard as it is for me to wrap my head around that, I’m also so glad I called her when I had the chance. Not only do I appreciate the time I did have with her, but it helps me to focus on the legacy I want to leave behind for my friends and family moving forward. What traditions would I like to pass on? What do I want them to remember? What keeps us connected?
The big-picture takeaway I’ve learned is to focus more on the gains, not the gaps. But for a more practical guide for getting through big occasions, holidays, or otherwise, here are a few critical pieces of advice:
BEFORE: Before you set the table, set the scene.
Visualize your holiday plans: Picture what the holiday, event, or gathering will look like. What traditions would you like to keep? Which ones are the first to go?
Plan for unexpected emotions. Grief never travels in a straight line and nostalgia can sneak in at any time. Prepare for all the feelings, and remind yourself that it is ok to feel them—good, bad, or in-between.
Invite others in. Whether it’s family, friends, or a therapist, share your plans and how others can support you. If they have to guess, there’s a good chance they’ll guess wrong. Give them a chance to be there for you in the way you need.
DURING: Make the Most of the Current Moment.
Give yourself grace. Listen to what you need. Do you crave company or prefer alone time? Do you want to be surrounded by loved ones—or do you prefer the bustling anonymity of strangers?
Bring them up in conversation. Don’t be afraid to talk about who and what you miss; it might be comforting to hear the perspectives and stories of those around you.
Create a personal tribute. If a loved one has recently passed, do something to remind yourself of them, honor them, and hold them dear. Light a candle (or a sparkler!), make their favorite dish, or sing their favorite song—whatever honors their presence in your life.
AFTER: Reflect and Move Forward
Check in with yourself. After any big business project or event, you would do some analysis and reflection, so do the same for your personal life. What worked? What didn’t? How do you feel now?
Write a note to your future self. Include what was hard and what you wished you had prepared yourself for. An annual check-in will help you know where you stand each year and see how far you have come.
This is a personal journey. There is no cookie-cutter process to follow; it will be different for everyone. Take the time to figure out what will work best for you, and give yourself as much time as you need to figure it out.
For me, in grieving the loss of my mom, I’ve thought about what I would like my kids to remember about me. To help with that, I’m making an effort to:
Get in the picture—whether it’s an actual photo or participating in an event—I want to be present. My mother is missing from too many photographs (because she was the one taking them!)
Share the story of my life—what better way to relate to others than to let them in on what experiences helped shape the person I am today?
Show my love for them as best as possible—no matter what else is going on.
A Popover Tradition That Keeps Us Connected
In my last newsletter, I talked about traditions that were ready for release. Today, I acknowledge that some traditions are too meaningful to let go. For me, making my mom’s popovers keeps her in my heart and in my holiday kitchen. It’s a small but powerful way to feel her presence and share her legacy with my kids.
Here’s the recipe, straight from her kitchen to yours:
INGREDIENTS:
6 large eggs
2 cups milk
6 Tablespoons unsalted butter melted
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
INSTRUCTIONS
Blend the eggs, milk, and salt in a blender. Add in flour, followed by the melted butter.
Let batter rest while the oven preheats.
Warm up the popover pan in the hot oven, then coat with nonstick spray.
Fill the slots with the batter.
Bake at 450°F for 20 minutes, then reduce the heat to 350°F and bake another 10 minutes. (They should be tall with a domed top, and deep, golden brown.)
Remove from the oven and pierce the top with a pairing knife to release steam.
Slip them out of the pan and serve immediately with butter!
Thank you for letting me share this tradition with you. May it inspire you to find moments of connection, comfort, and joy—no matter who’s at the table this year.
